You have the right to remain silent....Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you
Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
A COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Sky's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
A Been there, done that. Got the tee shirt, start the shots tomorrow.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
You have the right to remain silent....Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.
An agnostic is an atheist that doesn't want to admit that he is an atheist because he is afraid that if he does God will strike him dead.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
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